Old Journal '69 Monday December 15, 1969

Slept in - took Rob to school then worked on artwork for my poetry. Grace Slick called me a few weeks ago asking for a copy of a picture that I took of Paul last year. She wants to give it to him for Christmas. I'd like to give it to her in person. I think I'll go to San Francisco whether I can afford it or not.

Diane Forward called and invited me to come to her place for supper tonight, but I've already got plans to decorate the Christmas tree with Rob and Wes. After that, Nancy and I are going to go see "Sundance Kid"

David and Liz, the two hitchhikers that I brought home are going to help decorate the tree and stay with the kids while I take Nancy to the movies. David and Liz need money, so they are going to go down and give blood tomorrow. I also offered them $50 to do a nude photo shoot.

Lakey called and wants to see me, but I'd rather go to the movies with Nancy.Then Dawn called and invited me to dinner at her new place but I turned her down.

Nancy and I had a good time and enjoyed the movie. When we got home I played my music and Nancy danced.

Lakey called again, telling me how much she wants to make love with me. I wanted to go but felt like I couldn't tell Nancy the truth. I told her it was Bill Stansbury on the phone and that he was feeling low and depressed and wanted to rap. I asked her to drop me off on her way home and she said ok. When we got to Lakey's house Nancy gave me head in the car before I got out. Nancy turned me on like never before and she gave me head like never before.

After Nancy dropped me off I went in to see Lakey and found her on a strange bummer. We smoked some good Tye Stick and got smashed. She proceeded to tell me all her problems. Dawn Hillman (Harvey) is her best friend. Dawn is upset because Lakey has been seeing me. Dawn is trying to convince me to get back together. She blames Lakey for distracting me with drugs and sex and she is right. Not that I would get back with Dawn even if Lakey weren't around, but she sure makes it easy to get distracted. After listening to all her problems, I never even got laid, plus I had to walk home. It wasn't worth lying to Nancy about the whole thing.

Tuesday, December 16, 1969

Frank Mullin called to tell me about his "out of sight" day at school. His students at USC dig his class so much that his next semester class is already closed. I sure love Frank and Jinny.

Wes says he got a good night sleep because he closed his eyes. I feel very tuned into Wes right now. I talked to Jinny on the phone. She says Erin is trying hard to handle Jinny's love affair with John, but finds it very hard. She cuts John out and acts like he isn't there. She obviously feels John has no right to be in the place where her dad belongs.

My dream - to be truly free - to be truly me
My dream - to be heavy - to write heavy
To leave my writing as my legacy!!!

I want Jinny so much - she says she wants me too. I fantasize about making love to her. I quit writing long enough to make Rob's school lunch and to set the alarm. It's 5am and I'm crashing.

Wednesday, December 17, 1969

I got up and fixed Rob's breakfast - then walked him to school. He laid a subtraction problem on me - 10-9=1.

I caught the bus down to Capitol Records in Hollywood. Nancy looked really fine. She said, "Why did you lie to me, instead of being honest and telling me you wanted to go make it with some chick". All I could answer was "I don't know why". She said, "You can be honest with me. You can do anything you want - be with anybody you want - but if you really want honesty, then do it and
stop copping out".

Nancy is really far out. I've never met anyone like her in my life. She caught me lying and accepted it, and then hands me the gift of total acceptance - the chance to be real - to be honest with myself and with her - far out! Nancy introduced me to Charlotte who she works with, and then she took me to the back room to make some copies. She closed the door, and then she knelt and gave me head.

I came home and had a long talk with Liz. She and Dan will be leaving soon. I called Nancy at work and talked until she had to go to another department for her boss. I feel like a 16 year old with his first handful of female breast, only this time it's a handful of freedom. Freedom to be real- to be honest - wow!

Lakey came by and picked me up. We went to Dawn's for supper. Liz and Dan stayed with the kids. Dawn invited me to stay for a bath and sex after supper, but Lakey wanted to split and I didn't want to walk home. I sang Dawn the song I wrote about her (Backin' Up The Stairs) but she ignored it. Lakey dropped me off at home and I crashed early.

Wednesday December 17, 1969

I got up at 9am and called Nancy. I told her I'm splitting for San Francisco. I asked her to drop by and check on David & the kids and to bring some food by.

I borrowed a few dollars from Terry Oshea and split for San Francisco. It took me four rides to get to Santa Barbara. The on-ramp I was left at had eight other people hitching - ahead of me. I walked to the next ramp and it had even more people. They were strung out in order of arrival, except for a cat and his chick that walked past everyone and grabbed a choice spot.

I split and walked on to the next ramp where everyone was in a tight group. I didn't join the group, but sat a distance away, wishing to join them but afraid they wouldn't accept me. I smiled and said hello to the next arrival who walked past me and over to the group.

After about half an hour, a VW bus picked us up and took all of us the rest of the way into downtown Santa Barbara where there is no freeway and you can hitch-hike right on the highway. There were hitchhikers lined up for three blocks. I got at the end of the line next to a pretty blond chick with a blond Fagan. I figured shed' get picked up and I'd be able to get in too. She was dressed in a brown shirt, brown black and tan brocade vest, tan Levis and rough-out boots. She carried a cardboard sign that said San Francisco.
She put the sign in front of her face every time a large truck passed. A sports car swung in beside her after passing three blocks of hikers, but wasn't going far enough for her. Then a 51 Chevy Junker stopped, but she shined them on. The next car that stopped was a T-bird, and she was gone like a shot.

A VW bus picked four of us up and took us to Santa Cruz. My next ride was an ex sailor named Dennis. We talked about the Navy and he took me as far as Half Moon Bay and took me to the Shelter (Mike Mindel's club), but Mike is in LA, so Dennis took me on to musician Allen Colberg's house. I sang some of my songs for Allen and his wife Fran. Allen taped my music and asked me to read
some of my poetry.

PUSH ON THRU - FOR DAWN 1969 By Bob Harvey

Held you up so high, forgot myself
Hangin' on so tight, every day and night
With a tenseness in my grip that drank my power
Let my focus slip

I know I bought a downer, loved holdin' you so much
Lost my sense of touch

Best forget the charge of touchin' you
And get it on and push on thru
Thru to some reality - thru
Thru to some reality - thru with what pretends to be thru

Standin' on the spot thru which the line is drawn
You've got to move it on
Better sound the brass and show some class
If you're getting' in time is getting' thin

Best forget the charge of touchin' you
And get it on and push on thru
Thru to some reality
Thru with what pretends to be thru

Thursday, December 17, 1969

Allen and Fran got up early and split on business. Their son Teddy and I Had breakfast, then I called home. Rob said that David and Liz had split and weren't coming back. I tried calling Nancy, but she wasn't home or at work.

Allen came home and gave me $20 and took me to the airport in San Jose. I'll have to mail the picture to Grace or make another trip. I pressed my white pants with the vines embroidered on the pants legs. I embroidered them when I was working at Sidereal Time in Hollywood.

Sitting in the airport - I'm looking good and feeling good. Digging myself and digging girls who are digging me. Allen and I got smashed on hash before we left for the airport. Now I'm sitting and tripping on all the beautiful flower children.

THE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ; 1969 Bob Harvey

How beautiful the children
How large the eyes
Full of wonder - ready for the prize
The moon shines bright in the mouth of my cave
Stretch your paws - dig in with your claws
Feel the warmth - a moving glow
Seep up your rib cage - like warm butter up a tube

Step to the threshold
Your making mischief - telling tales
Playing up and down the streets
You fight and strain
You yearn and cry
Love I hear you comin'

I want to be your friend
Can you believe I mean it till the very end
I know it seems that I have said I wanted to be many things
That's why there are so many things I've been

Token change - a hiding place for all the realities you feel
It was just a same time thing
She dared not be happy - did not dare to play
Did not dare a positive trip
She finally died today

How beautiful the children
How large the eyes
Full of wonder - so ready for the prize

I called Rob again and told him to start calling Nancy and to keep calling until he got her. I want her to come over until I get home. I'm realizing that there is real beauty in my relationship with Nancy.

In the air - there is a storm coming down from Seattle. Down below it is dark and stormy. The waves were all high and angry on the coast. We have just broken out of the dark clouds into the sunlite above all the raging below.

It's like my relationship with Nancy - The frantic beauty of the first breakthru Into sunlite. Above the abyss of not relating - not seeing & not understanding. There are areas ahead where the clouds above blend into the clouds below.Once you've clearly seen the sunlite - the abyss below is never quite as severe. Now the clouds below are opening up and it is clear all the way from the ground below to the sun above. Wow, how fast the changes - it is all so beautiful. The clouds below are now pure gold and fleece - and they were so black and foreboding just moments ago. The fiery level below is now only a shelf opening up on both sides, clear to the ground.

It seems so simple and so beautifully objective. There are still more layers of clouds above us to be scaled - but the sun is out and the possibilities seem more positive and real than ever before. It's like my relationship with Nancy. The frantic beauty of the first breakthrough into sunlite

Oh my sweet lovely out of sight Nancy. I love your beautiful face and your beautiful body. I love where your head is. I just love you period.

We are starting to descend towards LAX. We just passed a small single engine plane going the other way - like a tiny bat out of hell.

I'm in the terminal. I just called Nancy at my place. The police were at the house when Robby got hold of her. David left a note and split.

I'm sitting on a bench outside the luggage claim area, waiting for Nancy and the kids to come and get me. The pace of life is back to it's dizzying pace here on the ground - but the view from 30,000 feet is still with me.

Fat men with loafers, white sox and fat legs running for their flight. It feels like I'm still on the speed that Nancy gave me. The impressions come at me so fast that it is hard to keep up with them. The little girl next to me is seeing her mother after a time apart and she says, "Mom, you've gained 14 lbs". "No I haven't," says the red head that is trying hard to stay foxy. "The difference between 115 and 120 is 5 lbs., not 14", replies her mother defensively. "But your skirt is short and you know daddy doesn't like it short", says the daughter. "I know honey", says her mother, "but mommy's friends do - ha ha ha".

Two old ladies to my left, seeing a longhaired boy. One says to the other, "how would you like to claim that as your son"? "Oh no," says the other, covering her face with her hands.

Nancy and the kids are here. Rob gave me the note that Dave left:

Bob,
I want to thank you for everything, but it just wouldn't work. I guess I'm mean in a way, but more - thanks
Dave

Dave called the cops after he left and told them there were two kids alone at 975 Court St. When the police got there, Rob told them about Dave splitting and that Nancy was on her way. The officer had Rob call Nancy again and told her to get there fast or the kids would be going to Juvenal hall.

Home at last. Nancy has a fungus and can't make love, but she gave me head and it was beautiful. She is staying all night and is already asleep. I'm still going and horny. I got up and called Linda Schaefer, the model I shot for my last assignment with Golden State News. I asked her if I could come over and make love. She said she already had company, but we made of date for next week.

ELIMINATE THE STEPS ; 1969 Bob Harvey

Eliminate the steps and they fall away
You are exactly what you are - no more they say
And its all right - you are - exactly what you want to be

Take off your mask - go jump - go just once and see
It's all right for it must come off - for you to be
And its all right - you are - exactly what you want to be

How much does it cost and will it hurt much
Even if it's with your last breath you should take it
It is worth the taking-it's so damn painstaking in the making
And its all right - you are - exactly what you want to be

Tho' you may never see this point again is of no loss
Someplace in this world is born
Someone to help and carry your cross
And its all right - you are - exactly what you want to be

Journal from December 1969 to be continued

 Bob